Love is Cancerous

I'll never forget that look on the Dr. Oswald's face. "Ben... You have cancer". My heart went into a spiral of emotions. "Untreatable" he said. "Severe" he said. Then the countdown started "3 months, at best". At first I thought I'll live my life to the fullest for the few months I had left, but then Dr. Oswald said that I'll have to be admitted as soon as possible, apparently I was unstable as well.

I've always hated hospitals. Just a bunch of sick people and grieving family members waiting for their sickling to die. For a brief moment I was almost thankful that my folks were gone. Even if they were alive, they would resent me because of my life as a rockstar. Hell, I've always thought I would go out in spectacular fashion. Jump from a speaker and break my head or OD on heroin in the middle of an arena show. Now I'm laying in this stupid bed waiting to die.

It wouldn't have been so bad if my band didn't break up and forgot about me. No girlfriend either. I was never really interested in love at all. To me it was all fake and nonsensical and a massive waste of time. So here I am Death, take me already!

2 weeks have passed. Nurses come and go not saying a word. It didn't even seem like anyone cared about me. Dr. Oswald came a few times, but when I wanted to talk to him his stupid pager went off and he went running off. I was truly alone in my final days. I never imagined it like this.

One morning, when I was sitting there resisting the urge to beat myself to death with heart rate monitor, another bed came rolling in. They put the bed next to mine for some reason. Probably stuffing us cancer patients in a box and leaving us. The nurse moved away so that I can see. There she was. Still asleep. The most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life. What is she doing here? She can't be dying can't she? No, that's impossible.

She slept until early evening. I was there, staring at her. Finally she woke up. Like a dumb teenage boy accidentally making eye contact with his crush I quickly looked away. She laid there quietly, not making a sound. I glimpsed at her a few times. It looked like she was crying.

2 hours passed, quiet, total silence. Then I thought I was going to die right that second because I could have sworn I heard an angel. "So... What's your name?" I sat there blushing like an idiot and forgot what my name was. "Ben" I said. "That's a cool name, Ben. I'm Jane. Nice to meet you". She looked at me for the first time. Her blue eyes pierced my soul and illuminated me. She gave this small smile that wanted me to think that there is nothing wrong with this world. "So what you in for?" She giggled at her own joke. Death sentence I thought and laughed as well.

"Brain cancer, not fun I suppose. Told me I've got three months to live", I said. "Three months huh? Guess we've got a lot in common because you just described me as well" Same illness, same timeline. How is this even possible? Could it be fate? No, that would be stupid.

"Hey, Jane, I'm curious why isn't anyone here with you? A family? A beautiful woman like you must have a boyfriend?". "None of those. My family died a long time ago and I was never interested in a boyfriend... I am lonely now though" Another thing in common.

We started talking every day for hours upon hours. About life, about love, about death. We both know we are going to face it soon so we might as well talk about it. She was scared and I comforted her. She had questions and I tried to answer. I could swear that I was falling in love with this woman. A little late for that I reckoned.

It went on like this for weeks. We talked about each other's past, sparring no secrets. Why keep secrets when you are going to die soon anyway? We were happy for the first time in our lives. We cared for one another, laughed at each other's jokes, knew everything about each other. We were perfect together.

I asked that they bring me my guitar. I had to do something. For Jane. I sang her a song:

I have to tell  you something sweet angel of mine

Listen closely to my voice
One wish I have in this world
Vanity is radiated by your every breath
Enough has crossed us in this world

You are the last thing I have
Only one thing I could wish for
Us as one

She cried with a smile. I smiled back.

2 months and 13 days went past as fast as lighting. Then, on one cold night she whispered to me "Ben... I'm cold...get in this bed". The nurses were talking about the newest episode of Desperate Housewives so they were pretty occupied. I crept over to her bed, careful not to disconnect the heart rate monitor. I was pretty weak at that point so it was a huge effort to get in the bed. But I kept thinking that it's worth it.

This is the first time we touched each other. Her hand folded into mine in an instant. We stared into each other's eyes for what seemed like hours. She was smiling the whole time we laid there.

She whispered to me again. "Kiss me. We can leave this world together. We were meant to be soulmates"

We kissed. The only moment in my life where I was completely happy. Suddenly the promise of death didn't feel so scary. We had love and that's all we needed. We fell asleep in each other's arms that night. Guess the episode of Desperate Housewives was THAT good.

I woke up with a smile. She was blue. This isn't right. She opened her eyes. Those blue piercing eyes. She muttered something to me "I'll see you soon" She closed her eyes and the heart rate monitor went flat. "Jane? Jane! JANE!" I started screaming, but without hope. The nurses came in and took me from her. I was fighting, but I was too weak. She was gone. Nothing they can do.

They took her away shortly after. I was sobbing like a baby, but for what? I knew that she was going to die soon. I just wished we could have gone together. I came to my senses and realized that she must have been sicker than me when she came here. Now I have no-one. Alone once again.

All reassurance I had was the words she said to me. See you soon. I hanged on to that idea while I was waiting to die. I felt worse every day. I didn't feel like this when Jane was here. I was suddenly in excruciating pain.

Dr. Oswald came in to check on me. I begged him to just give me an overdose of Morphine as my last wish. He refused at first, but I kept on begging. He finally gave in and gave it to me. I was silently slipping away. I saw her face in my last moment. My angel.

I'm here.

Melody of Uncertainty

Siren's call
Graceful fall
Better to be sure
There is no cure

Determined to stop you
Eulogy of darkness and abyss
All shall tremble beneath the might
Tarnished beneath the sickle of fright
Hallowed to live a reality that will not end

Many try to escape this risk
Everyone has to accept
Life goes in a flash
Ominous beams
Deadly
Yes

-Blanked-

Why did you do it sir?

I sold my earth. Took my feelings and shoved them into the ground. A quiet gun laid before me. Still smoking. Still seeing my life as I chose it. I can't help the screams of silent bickering and contempt. The walls are shivering and closing in, but I don't mind. My body left my soul a long time ago. Fortnights passed while I contemplated why circumstances happened. I couldn't see beauty. I saw their faces again last night. The moonlight didn't help at all. My window was barely big enough. The ground was so soft. The shovel went rogue all of a sudden, but I didn't mind. You saw me as a monster, I was merely a janitor. Now these chains bind me from something I love. The only thing I loved. I was tempted by the long steel needle many a times. Just one tired journey to eternity. It would be better I thought, but something stopped me. Condolences ma'am, I didn't mean it. The acids of life took me by storm and thought I was an easy target. Now this pointless bowl is going to decide where I'm going. It's going to hurt, but I don't mind. 

Cuddles and Stupidity

Nobody.

Every human wants love. Well barring the obvious psychopaths, misanthropes, brain dead patients and politicians. It's in our nature to have the want to be cared for and appreciated, but can that go too far? Yes, it fucking can.

I'm going to say it flat and uncensored. Love can ruin people, ruin lives, ruin trust, ruin faith, ruin everything that's good in the world. It can be used as an instrument of utter destruction that the fallout can damage even the most brave of us all.

Look, I'm not some cold-hearted asshole who is incapable of love. I've loved many people over my years, but I can recognize when I'm going to far. When I'm doing more damage than good. I know quite a few couples that outright destroy people's lives for the sake of their pointless fucking communion.

Sure, if you don't fuck up.

I'm going to take this on at the core. We are being brainwashed by the mainstream perceptions of love. You see it fucking everywhere. Movies, books, advertisements, TV-shows, video games even. We are becoming stuck in idiotic traditions that just get relentlessly consumed by most people. I give an example. New girlfriends expect their boyfriends to talk to them at all times. Why? Why is it necessary to keep tabs on your lover every waking moment of their now pathetic lives? Isn't there even a shred of trust or even basic respect to allow them to do stuff they like doing? "No you can't go to the LAN we must spend time together!!" "But we were together the entire week" "I don't care!". Pretty fucking weak if you ask me.

The effect of this phenomenon is that girls unwillingly expect that their lover must be this charming, respectful, sweet, compassionate person and suddenly get disappointed when they can't find someone that lives up to their expectations that were set by some love-sick screenwriter. Those type of guys actually exist you know. They're just stuck in the fucking FRIENDZONE. It's actually all about looks, but I'll get to that later.

Welcome to civilisation. We are that pathetic. 

Don't even get me started how irritating these clingy couples can get. You know what? Fuck it, I'll get started. If I have absolutely nothing to do with your relationship then please just leave the inane lovey dovey bullshit out of my life and leave me in peace. Nothing grinds my balls more than some girl going on and on and on about her stupid douchebag boyfriend. Explaining every fucking moment in vivid and excruciating detail. No one gives a fuck. Please just stop.

It's cool to be happy about your relationship, but please it's not necessary to shove it down everyone's throat. I had a girlfriend once that was almost destined to be my bloody soulmate we loved each other so much (Got separated by distance in the end, meh) I didn't even change my Facebook relationship status. I wrote a few poems about her and told my friends we were going out ONCE. Instead of essentially screaming in everyone's ear about it, I wrote poems FOR her. Told her I loved her and appreciate her in private. She gave me my space and I gave her's. We were happy. Why can't it be like that?

I may come across as bitter and I'll explain why. In my early teen year I fell in love with a myriad of girls. I tried my best to get them to love me, but without any luck. They told me that I'm sweet, caring, respectful etc. but I didn't get anywhere still.  Then in 90% of cases they went out with guys I know are a total waste of human potential (douchebags). I wasn't ignorant, I KNEW they were ass faces. I started questioning myself profusely. What am I doing wrong? Why doesn't she like me? What's wrong with me? I started getting obsessed about my self-image then the truth hit me right in the face. I'm ugly. Straight. Those douchebags who keep stealing my girls LOOK GOOD. That ruined my life for the most of my adolescence. I was shy, bitter, hateful and it wasn't my fault. I drove more girls off because I couldn't communicate correctly and just turned disrespectful. I was swearing and saying offensive shit because I was just so hateful and full of contempt.

It's about looks. Both genders are guilty of it. I admit that I even thought a sweet girl is ugly and I wouldn't want to date her. My standards aren't as high as most guys, but it's still there. Go on all you like about how you "only go for personality" you're just lying to yourself.

Love is a beautiful thing actually. I'm talking about the sincere kind, not the kind where you want to prove something or just did it because you're horny and you can't resist the primal urge to fuck. No matter what the consequences may be. Wake up and love for the right reasons and don't lie to yourself. Don't hurt people and consider what you're doing.

That is all, my left hand is waiting for me.

My Views On The World

Note: I'm going to swear now. Not in the mood to *** everything again

Is fucked

Poverty, War, Famine, Destruction, Death, Shitty music. Like the iconic R.E.M song stated "It's the end of the world as we know it". In the past years it's become ever more apparent that this saying is coming true. Our pathetic nature as human beings is going to be the end of this world. Cynical disposition made by Marko Swanepoel.

Let's start off with my favorite ranting topic and probably with the least priority on this list. Music. It's a massive shitbowl. Look I love music I mean I LOVE it. If there wasn't music in my life, I think I would have been lying dead in a pool of blood right about now. It's stopped these suicidal tendencies I've had since I've been young. Don't worry it's all gone now. That part of my life is over and done with. I've just come to accept everything that has been thrown at me. Okay I'm getting off topic, back to music.

I lost hope...here

Like I said the entire music demographic has faded. You probably know I love metal and I'm conditioned to be more biased against it. I'm now leaving that biased nature and focusing on Music as a whole. In the days of Micheal Jackson Hip Hop was cool. Great rhythm and great lyrics. These days the fucking tweenie masses just need another fix on some faceless generic ass job who can sing the same as 1 million other people and that just got lucky.

It's fucking disgraceful that the youth I am in are getting their lives controlled in such a manner. I ask someone if they listened to metal. They say "O no that's all satanistic crap in which they scream a lot." I will now give you a video from a CHRISTIAN band:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CxFiu5Yy2Os (can't embed sorry)

You see? It had screaming yes, but the lyrics are actually meaningful and I'm still trying to figure them out. Simplistic bullshit like Mr. Beaver and the lot just make me want to shoot myself in the face. WHAT.THE.FUCK is so cool about it? Some girl singing she wants to take her shirt off and kiss a girl in a club while breaking up with her boyfriend is just refuckingtarded. It's all good in a club man I'm all for it, but when I'm just sitting there smoking and contemplating then I don't want to listen to that shit. I'll rather listen to Parlotones even just to have some substance.

Who looks cooler? REALLY??

It's a birthing ground to many social problems too. Teenage sex gets justified by Hip Hop artists. Sure metal induces violence, but hell it's not as bad as having a fucking kid because Jacko forgot to wear a condom because Lollipop by Lil Wayne was playing. Metal is in the wrong sometimes too. Sending the wrong message and whatnot, but there are alternatives to Black Norwegian Metal and that's rock or alternative. Really anything is better than mainstream rubbish. Don't get sucked into the system ,be unique. Have your own musical taste and not what society demands. If you love the Hip Hop rubbish being churned out be my guest I won't judge you even though you judge me because I listen to metal. I'm as much as a Satanist as Justin Bieber has talent. Sorry for raving so much on Justine, but I don't know anyone else really.

I keep thinking what's going through their minds...

And doesn't the camera man have a fucking Bar One somewhere? 

Okay I dabbled a lot on that topic. Now I will focus on the ignorance of the people. Look, the world isn't your perfect little garden in the back yard like you make it out to be. There are some atrocious things in the world. I ONLY searched for hunger in Google for that picture and I have now seen shit I wish I didn't see. Imagine you suffered like that? Beside the typical "hungry children in Africa" agenda, there are fucked up people and I mean fucked up. I've seen the bad side of the Internet. Some of the shit I've seen will make you think differently about the people around you. It's truly horrifying to say the least. These were all accidental mind you and I'm a curious soul. I rather be clued up in shit rather than not knowing anything about something I'm dissing. I've even listened to fucking Justin Bieber although it wasn't my choice.

I've even researched Satanism just to know what's going on there. Some interesting stuff - read screwed up - I've learned too. They believe in God, have Sins and rules and all that jazz.  Ignorance is bliss like they say, but to me ignorance is hell. Not knowing is worse than actually knowing what happens. I wish people can be more like this, but it's a dream that won't come true soon.

Right on to a serious matter for me. Degeneration of our youth. Starting with bad spelling:

Sure u r m8

 I've covered this before and I'll give you short description. This is one of our most STUPIDEST downfalls. Teens get so used to using a skewered version of the great communication medium called written language it's becoming a habit of sorts , almost next to breathing. I can't bring myself to spell badly because I see how stupid it portrays the person I'm talking to. Sure it's cool if you're in a hurry, but if you won't take 2 fucking minutes just to make your words understandable then I'm not interested in talking or listening to you. "OOoOo HaaAAIII !!!!! Hw r u? im gud i gues" FUCK RIGHT OFF

Next issue- Lack of uniqueness:

And still girls date them

 Us young people don't admit it, but peer pressure sure changes a person. I've been at this phase. Tried getting all the snazzy clothes and gelling my hair to look cool. That lasted I think a day. I've realized I wanted to "fit in". Wanted to become "like everybody else". This wasn't me. Fuck that I won't displease myself to please others. The sad reality is that teens are really like this. Like these guys on top. A wild guess, but I think at least one of them didn't want to be like that. It's forced and it's pathetic.

I hate seeing a group of teenagers walking together and they all look the same. Flip-flops with a short and a shirt so tight I'm not even sure if they are wearing body paint and included is that ridiculous mohawky hairstyle . And that's all 6 of them. It's nearly impossible to have the same fashion sense AND to be in such a close group
AND be all the same. If you are one of those guys then:

Next- Rebelliousness

Scenario: I'm writing a test. Not just any test, but an important test. Suddenly these two guys start communicating with each other from across the room. They do some kinda monkey sign language and then boom they start making FUCKING noises. I'm talking snorting obnoxiously loud, humming, whistling, coughing extremely disrespectfully, making noises with their chairs and dropping things on purpose. The teachers have no idea who it is and when they asked one of them if it was them then they reacted in the most disrespectful manner I know of.

Now I don't know if these two asswhipes were beaten as children, but to go to such great lengths to "impress" people, intending to piss of people or gaining attention is PLAIN-FUCKING-STUPID.  Sad fact is that many teens act this way. Usually it's a combination of the 2 things I've mentioned above with some other elements thrown in. This royally pisses me off because there are so many other ways to gain attention, but in a good way and not the kind in which 98% of the people think your a ponce.









Now on to more serious matters. The world as a whole. Conflicts are happening all over the place, people are dying, sickness is rapid and the world is being destroyed. I'm no Green Peace assjockey, but how the fuck are we going to live 20 years from now if it's looking like this already:

Sad reality: I'm giving a contribution to that

We are screwed. It's getting hotter and every thing's falling apart. It almost makes me want to change my lifestyle, but we are so comfortable in our little existences that we passively don't care. Me included. War is breaking out because we want these lifestyles. People are getting murdered for something so small as oil. No human life deserves to be taken. I'm secretly (not anymore) a pacifist which means I believe violence is never the answer. I can act all tough, but it's just an act. It has to stop and if it stops can you just imagine the peace? No assclowns trying to bliksem each other because "he looked at me funny" and the like. I want peace for the world, but that won't fucking happen.

Religion pisses me off in that department too. Muslims (I think) going all martyr for something they don't truly knows existed. Terrorist fighting for their "people", but just like to go into a blood rage and kill people. Priests doing unforgivable things that they think is justified by some bogus explanation (talking about pedophile Catholic priests). Stupid Christians warping their religion into something that's rewarding to them and having the nerve to believe in it. It's truly sad and I urge you to read my "Why Christianity is on the back burner" to learn on what I think about Christians. I'm a Christian if you didn't know.

Don't you just want to be there?

 Okay depressing shit out of the way (long way) I'd like to emphasis the beauty that is in the world. Yes I do have a warm side. Nature is beautiful. What has been created is beyond your understanding and mine. It's truly brilliant. Looking at that waterfall just makes me at peace again. If the end of the world is coming I hope it doesn't destroy this. I want people to appreciate what God has given them (or universe if you're an atheist) while it's still here for us to enjoy. Put away your fucking phone for 2 minutes and just look at it.





 People can be good too. Legends like Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King and even Jesus are examples of what human nature can be. Fighting for what you believe in. Fighting for your uniqueness and your people. Standing strong against oppression. Human nature sure needs more of this.

Just stop and look for a second at your surroundings. Take note of the small things and enjoy them like music, nature, warmth, art or anything for that matter. Like Zombieland said "Enjoy the little things".

 And with that I'd like to close off. Be yourself and stand strong for your own values. Don't be something your not and keep smiling. I know we can change the world...somehow

If you read the entire thing then thanks.

That is all. Go stare at a waterfall

I'm bored

Yes I said it. I'm as bored as a guy can get. All my 360 games are done and I'm playing Sims for C****t sakes. So out of sheer boredom I'm giving you some funny pictures. Hope it works because the image editor has busted my balls in the past.

Wow it worked nicely. Hope you got a giggle :) That is all.

What it's like to be fat

I ain't talking about this kid

So this has been on my mind for some time. People are very quick to judge us fat people. Look first thing we know it's our own f**king fault. If we haven't eaten so much we wouldn't be in this chubby nightmare. BUT in cases like mine we can't really help it.

To get it out of the F**KING way before anyone makes smart ass comments like "Go jogging" "eat Healthy" "kill urseldf lololol" I eat 3 main meals a day with 3 in between snacks. Breakfast is usually all bran cereal, lunch is brown bread with no butter, dinner is usually spaghetti, greens and roast or braai on good days. In between I eat fruit. I walk 2 km a day home in the blazing sun with a jacket and a bag and I sweat a sh*t load. I drum for an hour straight so f**k you if you think I need exercise and no I won't play f**king sport because I hate it.

So that is out of the way let me give you the short and sweet (bad word choice) of being fat. It f**king BLOWS. Skinny people have the ignorant mindset that us fat people can do everything they can. No we can't climb a sand dune. No we can't run for 4 km's. No we can't go on a f**king jungle gym. No we can't climb on your back....ponce. 

You see in my condition I have an extremely slow metabolism. I eat minimal and I work out. Some skinny people I know eat a sh*t load and just sit around on their phones and they stay thin. My metabolism doesn't process food as fast as other peoples so I'm stuck with this ridiculous body although I do my best to get to the optimum weight and it usually ends in fail.

So now I have to just live with it and Lord does that suck. Here's a list of what I can't do:

-Can't run long distances

-Can't wear tight clothes

-Can't swim without a shirt (I can, but don't want to)

-Can't climb anything

-Can't jump high

-Can't dance

-Can't sit on weak chairs

-Can't wear pants without a belt

-Can't do activities like wrestling and martial arts

-Can't stand for long because my knees get f**k sore

-Can't do teambuilding activities

-Can't use proper drumming techniques 

Those are just out of the top of my head. Other things include I'm tired as hell at the end of the day, I never get clothes I want, sport is a no go, I struggle to get up stairs, my back hurts all the time.

Now skinny people imagine you were in my shoes. Those things at the top you can't suddenly do. Now imagine you have a 80 kg sack of sand on your back while dealing with not being able to do all those things and dealing with those problems I mentioned. Wouldn't your great life suck then? Have some sympathy before you start with your ridiculous suggestions on how I can get thin. 

Some fat people are in the wrong. They don't do anything to change their situation and just sit around becoming ... well fat. Those people I want to give a massive bitch slap because they are giving the fat demographic their stereotypical status. 

Now not to get all f**king depressing, but people making fun of me need to go to hell. I have feelings too even though I portray myself like a cynical friendless misanthrope in these rants. If you say "O his fat ass is too big to get on the climbing rails" I get hurt man. And if I wasn't such a pacifist I would have beaten their face into the ground.

I ain't saying it's ALL bad to be fat. I can make jokes with myself, get hugged a lot in winter by girls to get warm, put things on my stomach and hide crip notes under my pens. And sometimes us fat people get lucky

Anyway that is all. Go eat your f**king pizza