The inner workings of my Mind

Now some of you might wonder what really goes on in my twisted mind. I'm actually a very complicated person. There are strange factors that play a role in my everyday living and some factors that are just downright weird. Hopefully you'll understand me better after this.

1. I hate people, but also love them

Strange huh? You know introverts and extroverts? I'm a mixture of both. I love being on my own and just thinking about and doing stuff instead of going out to parties. BUT when I actually go to parties I'm suddenly very happy. I like interacting with people and you might call me a people person of all things. I'm almost always the center of conversation when chilling with friends while deep down I'd rather be alone.

2.I always try to impress people

Whenever I do something, anything for that matter, I always try and impress someone. Whether it's playing drums or writing on this blog I always want people to take notice of me. I want to be famous at one point in my life. To have people listen to me and admire me is what I strive for

3. I always want to be better than other people

If I see a drummer I instantly think "O I  can top that" when in truth I actually suck compared to them. In games too. When I see a friend closing in on me in regards to rank I do my best to top them no matter what which is actually pathetic. There is always this niggel in the back of my mind telling me "I can be the best" and that usually flatlines as fast as it happened.

4. I see things others won't because I'm a realist 

When someone else looks at a teenage couple they think 'Awww they are going to be together forever...lolololol" when in my mind I think "Sheesh that's the third one this month. This bloody relationship won't work out worth a shit because they frankly hate each other, but don't want to admit it. The guy has been known to cheat on his girlfriends so what's stopping him from doing it again.". Shit like that. 

5. I see the stupid in things.

Mainly in mainstream music. Has anyone that listens to this ever looked at the lyrics? It's LAME. Also with my religion. When people say "You have to be a better person because God told you to and you need to reject everything evil because that might dissatisfy him" or whatever. I usually think " What? So I need to change who I am and lose all me uniqueness because God told me to? I won't worship a God that is judgmental you can forget about it" 

6. I'm very deep

Stuff like poetry and great stories touch me. Don't call me gay because it's something the world needs to see more. I can close my eyes and listen to instrumentals for hours while making up stories in place of lyrics.When I play a game with a great story it can sometimes move me to tears (which happened BTW) That's why I don't play multiplayer because I'm a sucker for great stories 

I see the beauty in things like a summer rain or a delicate flower and while I almost never show it because it conflicts with number 2 on this list. It's sad that I have to hide it because I love expressing my feelings and I never can because society has labeled people like that to be "gay" and "lame" 

7. I'm a procrastinator

If you don't know what a procrastinator is , it's basically someone who puts things off most of the time. That is me. If I can do my math homework tomorrow morning I will. If a project needs to be done I'll wait for the day before before I complete it. It's actually a frieken sickness. If I take no interest in something I usually leave it for the last minute.

8. I am EXTREMELY self-conscious 

As some of you might know I'm fat. I take massive embarrassment in it because I take what other people think of me seriously because of number 2 again. I never want to be seen without a T-shirt because I'm ashamed of how I look. I won't even take it off in front of my own family which proves how bad it is.

If I have a pimple as big as the moon I'm hiding behind a wall. If I even think my crack is showing I will pull up my pants to avoid embarrassment. In short I will do anything not to be embarrassed at all. Even when someone asks me to stop swearing my face turns red. This is why I hate school so much because the teachers embarrass me in front of my peers and why I hate stages. If I dance for any occasion at all I keep wondering if I'm jiggling too much or I may look retarded so I prefer not to dance at all. It's engraved into my psyche and I can't stop it no matter how many times people tell me "your perfect just as you are" and shit.. 

This is the main reason why I don't want to do things that people want me to do like f**king rock climbing or ice skating 

If you put it all together you may see I have a very complicated mind and personality. Just thought I'd share. That is all

The Fall of Thabo

I hope this bloody thing is wrong

This is has been bothering me for months now. I've noticed my life has gone completely to shit in a time frame of about a year. It's becoming so bad I can't keep it off my mind anymore so I thought I might as well spill it on my pointless blog.

This all started about a year ago as I stated mainly when we moved from Ladysmith. Before that life was an absolute blast. I went to rAge and jammed Guitar Hero an entire weekend and had what I consider the best time of my life. I played Halo 3 every night with a woman I knew very well (Tanya Snyman) and we talked about all types of things. If I had problems she would always cheer me up and vice versa.

Target Practice was still going strong a while before that. All my great friends were still in the clan and we chatted to early mornings sometimes. We were like a band of brothers, never gave up and never left a fellow brother hung up. All the guys loved me and I was quite good back then. We played some clan games and I always kept morale up and we won most of the time.

My friends at school (LHS) were also brilliant. There was always a party at my house on Weekends and boy did we party. We played Guitar Hero pissed drunk, had sleep over's, pool parties, birthday parties you name it we did it. I had one great friend which I still consider my best friend in my life and his name is Wessel. I remember we had a weekend to just chill and just the two of us because my family went to Joburg. We ordered Scooters the whole day and just jammed games till we couldn't anymore.

No-one was exceptionally good at games back then. We all played CoD 4 and W@W and we had a damn good time playing. There were one or two guys that were legendary and were respected by us players.  There were some conflicts, but we just shrugged it off.

It was a great time, a historic time, a rememberable time.

Now it gets f**king depressing. Get your tissues and I'll get my razor blades. I'll be sorting the shit storm in a timeline.

Before the move:

Target Practice kind of broke up. Everyone left and the clan was torn apart. All my friends moved on or something and to this day I don't hear from them at all.

On the move:

I left without saying goodbye properly. I assumed my line would be up by the first month I moved to Pretoria. It was also pretty kak saying goodbye to all my buddies and leaving the little town. I underestimated how great Ladysmith really was...

Just before we moved into the new house:

First few weeks were all good. We stayed in a bed and breakfast and we had quite a bit of money so I was buying a few games and a few metal albums, watched a few movies etc.

 

Right when we moved in:

It was hard work to move everything into the house, but I was used to it already. Once everything got settled I looked forward to starting a new life in this new metropolis. Then it hit. On Christmas Eve R55 000 worth of shit got stolen and we didn't feel safe at all after that. I slept with a butcher knife under my pillow and that is not a joke.

The consecutive months after we moved:

We had an alarm installed so we felt some safety. Insurance paid out and we had some new stuff. My mom and I went to Telkom to find out if we can get a line installed. They said there aren't any lines in our area. My heart sank as I came to realize I wouldn't be talking to my buddies any time soon.

We decided to wait and see if they will install lines in our area before going wireless. A few months passed and we became tight financially because of debt. No wireless internet then. 7 months passed after that. 7 f**king months people. For a person that's entire passion and friendship laid in a simple thing like internet this was a big f**king deal.

So with no internet I decided to make the best of the time I had at school. Man was that a f**k up. It was absolutely horrible to even go to school sometimes. Why you ask? Well to put it quite frankly people were f**ked up.  Remember all those sappy American Highschool flicks with the cliques (Jocks, nerds, homo's, lonely people, stupid people, necrophiliacs) it was exactly like that.

For me this was totally new. On my first day some assclown asked me if I think I'm big (In actual Afrikaans words: Dink jy jy's groot huh?) in a very arrogant way. I thought WTF because this has never happened to me before when I went to a new school. Everyone just made friends with me and I made friends with them. I had nobody to sit with on break time for a whole week...

One day I read my Metal Hammer magazine in class and some guy took interest in me. I started hanging out with them, but that went to shit pretty soon too. After about 2 weeks I came to realize nobody really listened to me at all. I was literally just standing there eating my sandwich. F**king pathetic. They were partying every weekend which I was never invited to, smoking dope and being asses so I decided to leave that group.

Then I met some other people that are in the supposed "Nerd" group. They are cool guys, but a little too goodie tooshoe for my liking, but nonetheless I chilled with them because I didn't have another alternative. They are my friends today, but I still miss not being able to smoke, drink, and talk kak etc. with them because they are TOO well mannered.

You see I always say the people in my school are either too f**ked up or too well mannered. I am in that grey area and so far I haven't met someone that is in that grey area along with me. I had those types of friends in Ladysmith and I miss that more than a fat kid misses his cupcake.

After the aforementioned 7 months I finally got my iBurst. Boy was I in for a surprise. People got SO good in the games I played that it's not even funny. I was getting killed in ways I didn't even know existed and 3/4 of the match I was dead. The Xbox community was so broken up I didn't even feel to make a contribution.

These days every time I enter a game there is always one assclown ruining it for me and I usually get pissed and switch my console off. I get my ass whipped every time I play and that pisses me off. And the iBurst UberLag doesn't help my fucking case either. It's like I was stuck in a teleporting machine jeez. Overnight people suddenly became D-bags. No meaningful conversation in sight and it was all serious like we were playing a fucking clan match.

Present day:

Well basically I'm playing Halo all by myself because every time I join a game with a buddy it LAGS like crazy and the communication is fucked. I hardly go out anymore because no-one cares to invite me. My love-life is virtually non-existent because it's all about who is in 1st rugby team and has a six pack and all the great girls are taken not that I had a chance anyway. I have no contact with old friends and I wonder if they know I'm still alive. I'm wasting away in my room doing nothing meaningful with my life. I don't even care to write anymore because all I think is "no-one is going to read and understand this anyway". I am piss poor and can't buy anything for myself

So in conclusion my life had faded from a bright burning star into fuckall. If you're the religious type I would ask you to pray for me because it had never been this bad.  If you're not religious please just think about me for a minute and understand that I went through hell this past time.

That is all. Please stop crying