My Loneliness

I have something to get off my chest. You see, I moved to Vereeniging last year December from Pretoria. In these past 7 months I've been the unhappiest I ever was. At first I thought that another door would be opened for me in this new place. New possibilities and new people to interact with. I couldn't be more wrong.

If you look through my blog there was another time where I was completely unhappy again after moving to a new place. However, at that time the main reason was because I didn't have internet for 7 months. Now it's the complete opposite. Now I'm just completely and utterly alone. I'm not kidding when I say I haven't had human interaction with someone for 4 months at one time. I didn't speak to anyone or even go out of my room. I was, and still am, just trapped inside a box.



The first 3 months here I was hanging on to the idea that when I start college that I would start making friends and experience new things. Once again, that all went to shit. When I first started college I noticed that everyone on my campus is black. I mean it when I say EVERYONE. Not a single person is white. Now, you might think me a racist, but no it's not like that at all. I'm not a racist. Whenever I go there to do my work I just get glanced at and ignored. I tried numerous times to talk to someone, but they just flat out ignored me completely.

After a while I just stopped trying and just carried on by myself. I didn't have any friends. Hell, on 95% of the days I was there I went in not saying a word and left again without saying a word. Just complete silence. I'm thankful for the party chats I have on Xbox LIVE otherwise I probably would have killed myself or at least lose my voice entirely.

I was always this energetic young man with lots to say and filled with jokes, but now I'm just a big fat guy walking around not saying a word. I've always talked to mom about shit and I was hardly ever silent. Now there are some days where all I say to my mom is 'okay' and do a few grunts. What the fuck happened to me. I was motivated and driven at one point. Now I'm just nothing.

The guys I talk with on my Xbox LIVE party chats will never think I'm as depressed as I am because I put up this mask and pretend that everything is okay, but it really isn't. I'm at a point where I just want to give up. I won't, however, because this isn't the first time it has been like this and I can tank the shit out of it now. It doesn't change the fact that I've turned into a husk though.




I only go to sleep at 6-7 am in the morning not because I'm too pumped up to go to sleep or anything. I'm awake because I wallow in my past and relive all my regrets and the fun times I've had that just suddenly stopped. I find myself being envious of people that have relationship problems or having a hard time deciding which friend should receive more attention because they at least have some human interaction.

I've given up on finding love altogether because I haven't seen a decent female in months. Fucking MONTHS. Not days or even weeks. MONTHS.

Imagine something for a second. Think of all the friends you have and your love interest if you have one. Now imagine they all just vanished. That has been my life for the past 7 months. It wouldn't be so bad if I was always a non-sociable shut-in my entire life, but just last year I was the life of the party. I was known by everyone and people wanted to be around me. That all went down the drain December. Fuck sakes.

If I didn't get a visit from my friends every 4 months, I would have been more emo than I am now. And that seriously scares me.

That is all. I hope shit gets better again. It always has. It just comes with 7 month long emo periods.