My Loneliness

I have something to get off my chest. You see, I moved to Vereeniging last year December from Pretoria. In these past 7 months I've been the unhappiest I ever was. At first I thought that another door would be opened for me in this new place. New possibilities and new people to interact with. I couldn't be more wrong.

If you look through my blog there was another time where I was completely unhappy again after moving to a new place. However, at that time the main reason was because I didn't have internet for 7 months. Now it's the complete opposite. Now I'm just completely and utterly alone. I'm not kidding when I say I haven't had human interaction with someone for 4 months at one time. I didn't speak to anyone or even go out of my room. I was, and still am, just trapped inside a box.



The first 3 months here I was hanging on to the idea that when I start college that I would start making friends and experience new things. Once again, that all went to shit. When I first started college I noticed that everyone on my campus is black. I mean it when I say EVERYONE. Not a single person is white. Now, you might think me a racist, but no it's not like that at all. I'm not a racist. Whenever I go there to do my work I just get glanced at and ignored. I tried numerous times to talk to someone, but they just flat out ignored me completely.

After a while I just stopped trying and just carried on by myself. I didn't have any friends. Hell, on 95% of the days I was there I went in not saying a word and left again without saying a word. Just complete silence. I'm thankful for the party chats I have on Xbox LIVE otherwise I probably would have killed myself or at least lose my voice entirely.

I was always this energetic young man with lots to say and filled with jokes, but now I'm just a big fat guy walking around not saying a word. I've always talked to mom about shit and I was hardly ever silent. Now there are some days where all I say to my mom is 'okay' and do a few grunts. What the fuck happened to me. I was motivated and driven at one point. Now I'm just nothing.

The guys I talk with on my Xbox LIVE party chats will never think I'm as depressed as I am because I put up this mask and pretend that everything is okay, but it really isn't. I'm at a point where I just want to give up. I won't, however, because this isn't the first time it has been like this and I can tank the shit out of it now. It doesn't change the fact that I've turned into a husk though.




I only go to sleep at 6-7 am in the morning not because I'm too pumped up to go to sleep or anything. I'm awake because I wallow in my past and relive all my regrets and the fun times I've had that just suddenly stopped. I find myself being envious of people that have relationship problems or having a hard time deciding which friend should receive more attention because they at least have some human interaction.

I've given up on finding love altogether because I haven't seen a decent female in months. Fucking MONTHS. Not days or even weeks. MONTHS.

Imagine something for a second. Think of all the friends you have and your love interest if you have one. Now imagine they all just vanished. That has been my life for the past 7 months. It wouldn't be so bad if I was always a non-sociable shut-in my entire life, but just last year I was the life of the party. I was known by everyone and people wanted to be around me. That all went down the drain December. Fuck sakes.

If I didn't get a visit from my friends every 4 months, I would have been more emo than I am now. And that seriously scares me.

That is all. I hope shit gets better again. It always has. It just comes with 7 month long emo periods.

Seriality

As I gaze upon the disgrace of man I seem to think of the past. Friendships, lovers, poets and priests all tried to bring me into their world of hate. I refused this opposition with the valour and strength of an innocent being. There was always a convoluted void of emotions in my web of surpassed tributes and tribulations. Is it so hard to envision a true and just cause that we look down on the unworthy and dismiss the probability that light can in fact exist in darkness?

I once saw you as a friend. Someone I could trust with my demons and worships. But you stepped into another realm of your own imagination and values. Do you truly believe that your happiness is more important than the promises you meant to keep. This is why you are where you are, bound for life in to an unjust cause you have made for yourself. Did you truly believe your faults can be rectified with reason. 

I stood upon this stage of life too many times that the words are of a familiar nature to me. Did I ever feel betrayal. Not until someone showed me. Did I ever think there's hope. Not until someone called me. Retaliate me into your thoughts before making me your slave. Fulfil your need before you are empty. You are empty. Did I ever feel pain. Not until you broke me. 

As the curtains closed I held unto my only salvation. Light throws itself into my arms, expecting the unconstitutional cooperation which holds in such benevolence. I've lost my beliefs, rendered unto power and threats, still emerged free. I've lost my innocence, only to gain knowledge of lost feelings. I've gained an ally, only person I can truly have faith.

Me. 

Retry

Did anyone notice? Did anyone mention the decline? I guess the answer lies in mystery. The endless woods of good intentions and smiles without wrinkles can make anyone lost in themselves. I called for balance, but fell without seeing anything. I can hear when the weapon of envy is firing. It is, however, a familiar shock wave. I stumbled across plains with my only friend. He was silent, but content, but glorious. He was like me, unseeable.
When did life suddenly decide that it wants to be in control, become a conquerous  question with no answer. Feeding off trepidations and reassurance. I've been stuck in an endless swirling spiral most of my days. I finally found a haven, a conversation that doesn't kill.

Time to take on the gaze of  a silent soul, just waiting to care. Watch as time heals concious, little by one time. Wait until everything unjust becomes fair. Expected to save this soul of mine.

The answers are clear as the crystal in the deepest reforms of existence. Some choose to hang by the thin threads of unjust faith, some are stuck in a self made euphoria. Some choose that sun does not blind their eyes and choose to hear the voices inside. Denied their maker.

Change is imminent, an unstoppable force. Might as well embrace the consequences.

Love is Cancerous

I'll never forget that look on the Dr. Oswald's face. "Ben... You have cancer". My heart went into a spiral of emotions. "Untreatable" he said. "Severe" he said. Then the countdown started "3 months, at best". At first I thought I'll live my life to the fullest for the few months I had left, but then Dr. Oswald said that I'll have to be admitted as soon as possible, apparently I was unstable as well.

I've always hated hospitals. Just a bunch of sick people and grieving family members waiting for their sickling to die. For a brief moment I was almost thankful that my folks were gone. Even if they were alive, they would resent me because of my life as a rockstar. Hell, I've always thought I would go out in spectacular fashion. Jump from a speaker and break my head or OD on heroin in the middle of an arena show. Now I'm laying in this stupid bed waiting to die.

It wouldn't have been so bad if my band didn't break up and forgot about me. No girlfriend either. I was never really interested in love at all. To me it was all fake and nonsensical and a massive waste of time. So here I am Death, take me already!

2 weeks have passed. Nurses come and go not saying a word. It didn't even seem like anyone cared about me. Dr. Oswald came a few times, but when I wanted to talk to him his stupid pager went off and he went running off. I was truly alone in my final days. I never imagined it like this.

One morning, when I was sitting there resisting the urge to beat myself to death with heart rate monitor, another bed came rolling in. They put the bed next to mine for some reason. Probably stuffing us cancer patients in a box and leaving us. The nurse moved away so that I can see. There she was. Still asleep. The most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life. What is she doing here? She can't be dying can't she? No, that's impossible.

She slept until early evening. I was there, staring at her. Finally she woke up. Like a dumb teenage boy accidentally making eye contact with his crush I quickly looked away. She laid there quietly, not making a sound. I glimpsed at her a few times. It looked like she was crying.

2 hours passed, quiet, total silence. Then I thought I was going to die right that second because I could have sworn I heard an angel. "So... What's your name?" I sat there blushing like an idiot and forgot what my name was. "Ben" I said. "That's a cool name, Ben. I'm Jane. Nice to meet you". She looked at me for the first time. Her blue eyes pierced my soul and illuminated me. She gave this small smile that wanted me to think that there is nothing wrong with this world. "So what you in for?" She giggled at her own joke. Death sentence I thought and laughed as well.

"Brain cancer, not fun I suppose. Told me I've got three months to live", I said. "Three months huh? Guess we've got a lot in common because you just described me as well" Same illness, same timeline. How is this even possible? Could it be fate? No, that would be stupid.

"Hey, Jane, I'm curious why isn't anyone here with you? A family? A beautiful woman like you must have a boyfriend?". "None of those. My family died a long time ago and I was never interested in a boyfriend... I am lonely now though" Another thing in common.

We started talking every day for hours upon hours. About life, about love, about death. We both know we are going to face it soon so we might as well talk about it. She was scared and I comforted her. She had questions and I tried to answer. I could swear that I was falling in love with this woman. A little late for that I reckoned.

It went on like this for weeks. We talked about each other's past, sparring no secrets. Why keep secrets when you are going to die soon anyway? We were happy for the first time in our lives. We cared for one another, laughed at each other's jokes, knew everything about each other. We were perfect together.

I asked that they bring me my guitar. I had to do something. For Jane. I sang her a song:

I have to tell  you something sweet angel of mine

Listen closely to my voice
One wish I have in this world
Vanity is radiated by your every breath
Enough has crossed us in this world

You are the last thing I have
Only one thing I could wish for
Us as one

She cried with a smile. I smiled back.

2 months and 13 days went past as fast as lighting. Then, on one cold night she whispered to me "Ben... I'm cold...get in this bed". The nurses were talking about the newest episode of Desperate Housewives so they were pretty occupied. I crept over to her bed, careful not to disconnect the heart rate monitor. I was pretty weak at that point so it was a huge effort to get in the bed. But I kept thinking that it's worth it.

This is the first time we touched each other. Her hand folded into mine in an instant. We stared into each other's eyes for what seemed like hours. She was smiling the whole time we laid there.

She whispered to me again. "Kiss me. We can leave this world together. We were meant to be soulmates"

We kissed. The only moment in my life where I was completely happy. Suddenly the promise of death didn't feel so scary. We had love and that's all we needed. We fell asleep in each other's arms that night. Guess the episode of Desperate Housewives was THAT good.

I woke up with a smile. She was blue. This isn't right. She opened her eyes. Those blue piercing eyes. She muttered something to me "I'll see you soon" She closed her eyes and the heart rate monitor went flat. "Jane? Jane! JANE!" I started screaming, but without hope. The nurses came in and took me from her. I was fighting, but I was too weak. She was gone. Nothing they can do.

They took her away shortly after. I was sobbing like a baby, but for what? I knew that she was going to die soon. I just wished we could have gone together. I came to my senses and realized that she must have been sicker than me when she came here. Now I have no-one. Alone once again.

All reassurance I had was the words she said to me. See you soon. I hanged on to that idea while I was waiting to die. I felt worse every day. I didn't feel like this when Jane was here. I was suddenly in excruciating pain.

Dr. Oswald came in to check on me. I begged him to just give me an overdose of Morphine as my last wish. He refused at first, but I kept on begging. He finally gave in and gave it to me. I was silently slipping away. I saw her face in my last moment. My angel.

I'm here.

Melody of Uncertainty

Siren's call
Graceful fall
Better to be sure
There is no cure

Determined to stop you
Eulogy of darkness and abyss
All shall tremble beneath the might
Tarnished beneath the sickle of fright
Hallowed to live a reality that will not end

Many try to escape this risk
Everyone has to accept
Life goes in a flash
Ominous beams
Deadly
Yes

-Blanked-

Why did you do it sir?

I sold my earth. Took my feelings and shoved them into the ground. A quiet gun laid before me. Still smoking. Still seeing my life as I chose it. I can't help the screams of silent bickering and contempt. The walls are shivering and closing in, but I don't mind. My body left my soul a long time ago. Fortnights passed while I contemplated why circumstances happened. I couldn't see beauty. I saw their faces again last night. The moonlight didn't help at all. My window was barely big enough. The ground was so soft. The shovel went rogue all of a sudden, but I didn't mind. You saw me as a monster, I was merely a janitor. Now these chains bind me from something I love. The only thing I loved. I was tempted by the long steel needle many a times. Just one tired journey to eternity. It would be better I thought, but something stopped me. Condolences ma'am, I didn't mean it. The acids of life took me by storm and thought I was an easy target. Now this pointless bowl is going to decide where I'm going. It's going to hurt, but I don't mind. 

Cuddles and Stupidity

Nobody.

Every human wants love. Well barring the obvious psychopaths, misanthropes, brain dead patients and politicians. It's in our nature to have the want to be cared for and appreciated, but can that go too far? Yes, it fucking can.

I'm going to say it flat and uncensored. Love can ruin people, ruin lives, ruin trust, ruin faith, ruin everything that's good in the world. It can be used as an instrument of utter destruction that the fallout can damage even the most brave of us all.

Look, I'm not some cold-hearted asshole who is incapable of love. I've loved many people over my years, but I can recognize when I'm going to far. When I'm doing more damage than good. I know quite a few couples that outright destroy people's lives for the sake of their pointless fucking communion.

Sure, if you don't fuck up.

I'm going to take this on at the core. We are being brainwashed by the mainstream perceptions of love. You see it fucking everywhere. Movies, books, advertisements, TV-shows, video games even. We are becoming stuck in idiotic traditions that just get relentlessly consumed by most people. I give an example. New girlfriends expect their boyfriends to talk to them at all times. Why? Why is it necessary to keep tabs on your lover every waking moment of their now pathetic lives? Isn't there even a shred of trust or even basic respect to allow them to do stuff they like doing? "No you can't go to the LAN we must spend time together!!" "But we were together the entire week" "I don't care!". Pretty fucking weak if you ask me.

The effect of this phenomenon is that girls unwillingly expect that their lover must be this charming, respectful, sweet, compassionate person and suddenly get disappointed when they can't find someone that lives up to their expectations that were set by some love-sick screenwriter. Those type of guys actually exist you know. They're just stuck in the fucking FRIENDZONE. It's actually all about looks, but I'll get to that later.

Welcome to civilisation. We are that pathetic. 

Don't even get me started how irritating these clingy couples can get. You know what? Fuck it, I'll get started. If I have absolutely nothing to do with your relationship then please just leave the inane lovey dovey bullshit out of my life and leave me in peace. Nothing grinds my balls more than some girl going on and on and on about her stupid douchebag boyfriend. Explaining every fucking moment in vivid and excruciating detail. No one gives a fuck. Please just stop.

It's cool to be happy about your relationship, but please it's not necessary to shove it down everyone's throat. I had a girlfriend once that was almost destined to be my bloody soulmate we loved each other so much (Got separated by distance in the end, meh) I didn't even change my Facebook relationship status. I wrote a few poems about her and told my friends we were going out ONCE. Instead of essentially screaming in everyone's ear about it, I wrote poems FOR her. Told her I loved her and appreciate her in private. She gave me my space and I gave her's. We were happy. Why can't it be like that?

I may come across as bitter and I'll explain why. In my early teen year I fell in love with a myriad of girls. I tried my best to get them to love me, but without any luck. They told me that I'm sweet, caring, respectful etc. but I didn't get anywhere still.  Then in 90% of cases they went out with guys I know are a total waste of human potential (douchebags). I wasn't ignorant, I KNEW they were ass faces. I started questioning myself profusely. What am I doing wrong? Why doesn't she like me? What's wrong with me? I started getting obsessed about my self-image then the truth hit me right in the face. I'm ugly. Straight. Those douchebags who keep stealing my girls LOOK GOOD. That ruined my life for the most of my adolescence. I was shy, bitter, hateful and it wasn't my fault. I drove more girls off because I couldn't communicate correctly and just turned disrespectful. I was swearing and saying offensive shit because I was just so hateful and full of contempt.

It's about looks. Both genders are guilty of it. I admit that I even thought a sweet girl is ugly and I wouldn't want to date her. My standards aren't as high as most guys, but it's still there. Go on all you like about how you "only go for personality" you're just lying to yourself.

Love is a beautiful thing actually. I'm talking about the sincere kind, not the kind where you want to prove something or just did it because you're horny and you can't resist the primal urge to fuck. No matter what the consequences may be. Wake up and love for the right reasons and don't lie to yourself. Don't hurt people and consider what you're doing.

That is all, my left hand is waiting for me.